Messy Spirituality

A recent common theme in some of my readings and conversations is the difficulty of living a spiritual life that is based on a theology of competence. In simple words, being Christian is hard if it's all about measuring up. It is easy to see where this kind of spirituality comes from. As children we are expected to measure up to our parent's expectations until the day when we are out on our own, supposedly independent or autonomous creatures. The trouble is, many of us never quite mature beyond that perceived need to measure up. But if Mom and Dad are no longer around in a routine way to "set the bar," then our yardstick is unreliable, fluctuating.

We may, instead, let other authority figures set the bar - a teacher, or an entire educational system; a boss, or a spouse, or . . . well, you get the picture. A spirituality based on competence - measuring up - becomes frustrating and even debilitating because the yardstick may fluctuate so much that we are never sure if we're hitting the mark. We may find ourselves constantly comparing our behavior to those around us, "Oh, I'm better than her, but not as good as him," and that continuous comparison is also a recipe for frustration and failure (incompetence).

Paul, the apostle, introduces us to a spirituality that is not about competence at all. He writes, "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." He describes our tendency to "miss the mark." Spirituality for Paul is about recognizing our own weaknesses but trusting that God loves us anyway, that God can even use our weakness to accomplish something that fits with God's good plans for creation. Paul even brags about his own failures, and boast of carrying around a treasure in a clay jar (easily cracked).

What I have found is that most of us are so captivated by a spirituality of competence that we can't believe that God could love us unless we have proven ourselves. But proving ourselves is a losing game. Even if we are the best at something - singing, mathematics, strength, prayer, sales, etc., someday we will hit our limit, our abilities will decline, there will always be someone who will bypass us in competency. We will all experience what it feels like to not measure up.

I remind myself often that before Jesus had told a parable or performed a miracle God spoke to him at his baptism and said, "You are my Son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased." In Christian spirituality there is no bar. All we're asked to do is to trust we are loved, and then to follow in the way of Jesus. A way in which we are assured there will be pain and sacrifice (don't forget the cross!). In a worldly sense, Jesus failed to measure up, so the world put him to death.

This kind of spirituality is messy. It is not based on competence but on grace. God bestows unmerited favor on us. And we in turn bestow unmerited favor on others. And the world, which doesn't trust a spirituality that is not based on competence will look on us with suspicion - "This can't be right," they say. "Aren't you supposed to do something?"

Well, of course. The doing is in the following in this way of the cross, which is messy, isn't it? I can't claim any competence in spiritual matters. I teach the importance of prayer but I'm not very competent at it. I preach a sacrificial life but I'm not the best role model by any means. I feel bad about that. Not filled with warm, fuzzy spiritual thoughts. But I love Jesus. And I love it that he loves me. And as incompetent as I am, I want to be like him. So I keep at it. It's messy. But I think that means its real.